Saturday Afternoon, Around Teatime
by Indubitably Cynical
Summary: Sawyer awakens to some familiar faces. Warning: graphic Harry Potter references, but no crossover.


**Summary:** Sawyer awakes to some familiar faces

**Time Frame:** Sometime during a hypothetical S3EP22 "Through the Looking Glass"

**Pairings:** Canon

**Rating:** PG

**Saturday Afternoon, Around Teatime**

When Sawyer opened his eyes, it took him a moment to regain his bearings. He was on his back on what felt like a hard, wooden floor. After looking around he realized that he was in a living room, someplace he didn't recognize, but it sure looked storybook. White sofa, glass coffee table, several comfy chairs all around. Were those cookies he smelled, or was this a hallucination?

"Good afternoon, Sawyer," a familiar voice spoke, and Sawyer sat up. Was that—Charlie? But he had just watched the runt drown!

The memories flooded back just as he took in the cast of characters sitting in chairs around the coffee table. Charlie sat front and center, in a wooden rocking chair, hands folded in his lap. Immediately to Charlie's left, sharing a cushy chair really only meant for one, were Shannon and Ana Lucia, like teenaged girls putting on a show for the boys. Scott, whom he had very nearly forgotten about, sat quietly cross-legged on the sofa flanked by old Doc Arzt and what's-her-name, Nikki. Libby and Mr. Eko sat in what looked very much like matching desk chairs. Paulo was on a stool, spinning distractedly. And Boone seemed to be in the process of serving, yes, cookies.

"Well, I could get used to this," he said, staggering to his feet.

"How'd they kill you?" Scott asked, and Sawyer couldn't honestly blame him for being curious. The man had to have been here for a long time.

"Jack," Sawyer replied, scoping out some spare room on the couch.

"Jack killed you?" Boone asked incredulously.

"Yeah, he's one bad egg now." Wait, was that an inflatable sofa next to Paulo's stool? He made a beeline. "Not that it much matters here, but he's workin' for the Others now. Either that or he just got fed up with me." He looked around at the odd mix of people in the living room before his eyes fell on Shannon and Ana Lucia. "You're a bitch, you know that?"

Ana Lucia smirked infuriatingly at him. "You'd think that after that thing down in the pit, you'd learn not to trust me when it came to guns."

"You would think," Sawyer said with a smile. "So, you two are chums now?"

"She's teaching me Tae Kwon Do," Shannon offered, putting a hand on Ana Lucia's shoulder.

"S' about time, really," Boone interjected, offering Sawyer the plate of cookies. Sawyer gratefully took one that looked oatmeal raisin-ish. God, was it delicious. "Not that there's really much point in learning to defend yourself here, but it's something to do." The pretty boy retreated to what looked like a kitchenette, placing the cookie tray on the counter and joining Sawyer on the inflatable sofa.

"Do you guys have any idea of what's goin' on in the real world?" Sawyer inquired over a mouthful of cookie.

Mr. Eko took that question. "No. But we know who is next."

"How?"

"Call it gut," Nikki answered from her seat. "Locke should be joining us sometime in the next day or so."

"Really? Baldy drawin' the short stick?"

"Closely followed by Angelica." Doc Arzt this time.

"And who's Angelica?"

"Dirty blonde, thin, early thirties? Nice abs?" Paulo suggested.

Sawyer thought he knew who she was. "So, what do you guys do? Sit here, eat cookies and sip coffee and tea?"

"Basically," Nikki replied. "It's not bad, really. You'd think that staying in the same place all the time would get boring, but I've met some interesting people this way. Mr. Eko has had a pretty awesome life, from the stories he's told."

"Don't surprise me." He looked at Charlie. "Was it painful, kid?"

Charlie shrugged. "A little scary, but peaceful towards the end. I always had a feeling that I'd drown."

"You know, you buried us alive," Nikki pointed out.

"Yeah, we were paralyzed by spider bites, but you geniuses decided that we were dead and in need of graves," Paulo added.

Sawyer laughed. "Well, you're welcome. This sure as hell beats the chaos of Craphole Island."

Shannon smiled. "I came up with that, you know."

"Yeah, you had some pretty good nicknames yourself, if I recall correctly."

"Sawyer, I think you called me twelve different nicknames in all of the three conversations I ever had with you," Ana Lucia said. "I hate to admit it, but I kinda missed that."

"That ain't all you missed, probably," he winked, and she smiled sarcastically at him. "Did the little Chica tell y'all what she did to me?"

"What, that she seduced you into giving up your gun?" Shannon asked. "I can see it in the headlines. "Man Falls For Sex!" God, you lot are so predictable."

"Ignore her," Boone told Sawyer. "She was an expert. You think _you_ could con people?"

Shannon leaned over and smacked him.

"Sawyer," Mr. Eko said in his thick accent, and they all paid attention. "Are you up for entertaining us? Perhaps with what took place on the island between Charlie's death and yours?"

"Did you ever sleep with Kate?" Arzt asked with a snigger, and several of his late companions laughed with him.

"Of course, jump to the most important thing first," Sawyer said, throwing his hands up. "Yeah, I slept with Kate. Several times, actually."

Money changed hands all around the table, and Charlie, who had apparently not been there long enough to make a bet, simply laughed. He pointed at a distraught-looking Ana Lucia. "She lost money on me and Claire too," he said.

"Well, I sure feel special."

Libby spoke for the first time. "Do you know if Jack ever slept with her? We've got some wagers on that front too. Care to make one?"

"I'm bettin' no way, not with Goldilocks around." Most of the faces stared blankly at him. "Er, sorry. Juliet. She's one of Them. Probably her that convinced Jack to turn on us. He's definitely tappin' that."

Ana Lucia swore again. Shannon laughed at her. "See, we don't care about the serious stuff, just about who Kate's sleeping with. And Ana Lucia's so far eighty bucks in the red. She lay down thirty that Jack and Kate would hook up."

"You wagerin' against me, Lucy?" Sawyer asked with a smile.

"Even I am making bets," Mr. Eko spoke solemnly. "I was denied the wonderful pleasures of gossip in my adolescence."

Nearly everyone snorted at that one. "I've told them all about Desmond and Naomi," Charlie said. "I've put down three pounds sayin' that they have sex less than a day before one of them dies."

"I'll take that bet," Sawyer said. Arzt got up and headed to the kitchenette and began toying with what looked like a Cuisinart.

"Coffee, anyone?"

"Please," Sawyer said. "So, did I just appear, then?"

"Mm hm," Nikki said absentmindedly. "There was very suddenly a Sawyer lying on the floor by the fireplace." He noticed the fireplace, currently empty.

"People can appear anywhere, though," Scott piped up. "Arzt actually materialized piece by piece, remember, Boone?"

"How the hell could I forget?"

"Let me tell you, Sawyer, like I've told all the others here a million times: it was no fun sitting in here on my own for a week. No fun at all. Once Boone turned up things looked brighter, and when Doc Arzt appeared we really had a party."

"They had just figured out how to use the coffee maker when I got here," Shannon spoke from her chair, squeezing Ana Lucia's arm. Sawyer wondered briefly about the nature of that relationship before turning his mind to less pervy matters. "I was so happy to see that thing that when Ana Lucia turned up I actually gave her a hug, 'cause I recognized her as the woman who had shot me, thus delivering me to a haven where caffeine still exists."

Arzt brought him his own mug, and Sawyer saw that it had his name on it. He smiled at that. One sip of the warm, familiar, coveted taste thoroughly beat any orgasm. After downing half of the mug, he placed it on a coaster on the coffee table.

"This place got a library?" he asked, feeling for his glasses in his jeans pocket.

"Right next door," Charlie said, pointing to the white door. "You're not allowed in there for too long, though. I tried to talk briefly to skeletal looking man called Sirius Black and an elderly gentleman called Albus Dumbledore, but I was only able to stay for three minutes."

"Wait, you tellin' me that the cast of _Harry Potter_ is in the next room?" Sawyer asked disbelievingly.

"If that's where Sirius Black and Albus Dumbledore're from, then sure."

"Dumbledore _died_?" Sawyer folded his arms.

"I know, it depressed me too," Shannon said sympathetically. "Not as much as it depressed me to learn that Charlie had never read _Harry Potter_, though."

Sawyer went to get up to check out the library, when he turned his head and saw that another person had joined them on the inflatable couch.

"Where am I?" Locke asked, a baffled tone to his voice.

Sawyer contemplated his answer carefully, knowing that it would determine his endless future. "Heaven, Baldy. You're in heaven."


End file.
